Violet's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
by Aelmira Romani
Summary: Violet's wicked awesome guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse! Not that it's important or anything!
1. Chapter 1

Violet's wicked awesome guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse! (Not that it's important or anything!)

Chapters

So, you're still alive?

How to make sure your brains stay in your head!

The three S's

Picking the life saving that's right for you

Yes, your loved ones do want to kill you

How to kill zombie relatives (grandma wants your brains, not to make lemon squares)

Why is this happening (yeah,god might Just hate you)

Training to kill (yes it's just what the title means)

Finding others that don't want to kill you!

Procreation (sorry but the species must continue!)

Growing up during Zombie apocalypse

Don't give up (trust us being a zombie sucks!)

Finale, inside tips from violets Clan of kickass friends

Introduction.

In case you geniuses can't read, yes my name is violet. If you follow my advice you might wake up tomorrow to your remaining family members and friends. I don't take shit so if your not going to finish then don't bother starting this book. The fact of the matter is that I know how to survive this sort of thing, and you my not so dear reader do not. If you think you have what takes to survive, because most people don't….just saying. Put down your taco bell and pick up a rifle, it's time to survive the zombie apocalypse!


	2. Alive, greatinsert sarcasm here

Chapter one. So, your still alive.

So, your still alive. Whoopdee friggin doo. I hope your proud of yourself that natural selection hasn't had you made into a delicious artery sundae. Here are some tips so you don' get yourself, ya know killed! Look, I know it sucks, I've loved, I've lost more than you can imagine, but I don't get emotional about it. Which brings me to the first tip. Keep your emotions in control. If you have to kill a zombie and you were a member of peta or some shit. Just jab and move on, it's like stabbing into a salad veg head it's all good.

Another thing, get some cargo pants. To the girly girl out there your mini skirt aint Ideal for running, and your prada bag isn't I deal for weapon storage. Cargo pants have pockets for knives, cell (to call other living peeps), and a nice hand gun. Oh and there pretty damn comfy. And the most important tip get some weapons, learn how to use them, now onward to the next chapter!


	3. Sparky, shutup

**Chapter 3 how to make your brains stay in your skull (with commentary from violet's clan member and best friend Lila, a.k.a. sparky our designated pyro)**

**Sparky….bold**

Violet….regs!

Ok, chapter two, how to keep those miniscule brains in you mediocre skulls, well first you wanna,…Sparks, why are you jumping up and down? **HIIIIIIII, I'M IN A BOOK, THIS IS AWESOME. VI, CAN I TELL THEM HOW I KILL THE DEADIES!** What, I'm sorry but I have just had my eardrums blown out by miss hyperactive!** HEHE THAT'S ME! SO CAN I CAN I CAN I?** Why the hell not, your gonna do it anyway! **Yay. SO IF A DEADIE TRIES TO COME AFTER YOU AND YOU HAVE NO EXPLOSIVES, GUNS, OR KNIVES. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS A KEEP A LIGHTER ON YA. FIND A PIECE OF LOOSE CLOTH OR SKIN ON THE DEADIE AND BURN THEIR ASSES TO HELL! IT'S FUN TO WATCH THE FLAIL AROUND AND SCREAM AS THEY DIE ASLOW PAINFUL DEATH!** Ok, someone needs therapy!** HEHEHEHEHEHEHE! YOU KNOW IT, OH AND SINCE THIS CHAPTER'S ABOUT KEEPIN YOUR BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD, I SUGGEST DUCT TAPE! **Why duct tape?** IT CAN FIX ANYTHING, DUHR!** Of course, well that's the end of this chap…** BYE!...**ter, bye!


	4. Chapter 4

Violets guide chappy 3!..(ok enough happy)

Ok class gather around so auntie Violet can tell you the three S's so you don't get your asses eaten….:)

Ok so s number uno stealth how the hell are you supposed to survive a fucking APOCALYPSE without stealth? Just be stealthy and stay healthy. Survive(ya know just to re iterate that) the third s is SHUTUP STUPID DO YOU WANT TO DIE! Zombies (the ones who still have ears) have sensitive hearing, a result of the disease. So stay quiet or you'll get shot by auntie violet….:)

(hey sparks what else am I teaching the little shiiiiiiiii…ooops, one saw my text, bye)

Um class auntie vi's gonna have to wing it for the rest of the class….soo who here knows what an AK-47 is?


	5. brains and greenbeans,mmm

*Chapter 4 loveys, yes auntie Vi is in fact trapped in an elementary school with her clan teaching the guide to 5 year olds…and sparky. Hey at least sparky's making friends. Yes the guide is leading into the story of the zombie apocalypse and violets clan, it will be full of laughs,love,….something else that starts with an l that I can't think of, and something all zombie fans adore shit tons of GORE, remember readers, auntie VI doesn't give a crap so don't pardon her French*

Welcome to "yes, your loved ones want to kill you"

"Okay boys and girls I want you to think about your mommy's and daddy's, your little sister or brother, even your best friend or pet….now I want you to picture them as a brain eating nosferatu come to kill you…was that a bit much?" shiiiiit "sparky did I over do it, how do we get the kids to stop crying it's getting annoyi…sparky are you….." "VIOLET I DON'T WANT YOU TO KILL ME! I AM A GOOD GIRL DON'T HURT ME! WAIT VIOLET…I DON'T WANT YOU TO TURN INTO A NOS PIT FART LOO!WAAH!"

"shit spark, just help me get the kids to shut up!" "BUT VI-O-LET YOU'RE A ZOMBIE, I'M NOT SPOSED TA TALK TO ZOMBIES" "sparky I'm not a zombie, it's a scenario" "…..OOOOOOH, OK. I KNEW YOU WEREN'T A BRAIN EATER WHEN WE CAN'T EVEN GET YOU TO EAT GREENBEANS!" "sparky, just get the kids to shut up!" "FINEEE, HEY KIDS, WHO WANTS TO SHOT GABE IN THE ASS WITH A CROSSBOW?...WHAT, HE ATE MY REDVINES, BOYS GOTTA PAY!, C'MON KIDS"


End file.
